Recently, I started working with a private client who was emotionally involved with a scammer. She was in love with him and it's no wonder why. He was attentive, offered up beautiful poetry and had found a way to identify with her deepest pain.
Yet when I shared why it sounded like she was becoming attached to someone who was less than honest, she was shocked and couldn't believe this nice man she spoke with on a daily basis was about to take advantage of her.
So I told her, if you can't break contact yet, at least stay open to the possibility that he is a scammer and if he asks you for money, promise me two things. First, you won't give it to him and second, to call me so you have the support I know you would need to break contact with him.
Sure enough, within three days, he told her he was in trouble. He was about to close a deal but had a problem. The bank needed two more weeks to get all the financing together but he was going to lose the deal if he didn't come up with the money by the end of the week.
He asked if she could possibly help him. His family had invested too, he said. This was his way of making her feel safe enough to go through with it, even though it wasn't true.
Fortunately, she kept both promises she had made. We talked and I helped walk her through this. Let me tell you, it was not easy, but it would have been harder if she hadn't had support from an objective source. A piece of her didn't want to believe he was scamming her.
Why? Because he had captured her heart and she really wanted to help him. The scammer had spent hours setting her up for this by connecting with her through beautiful poems and lengthy conversations.
I hear this story over and over again. You may think, oh no, this would never happen to me. Let me assure you these women would have said the same thing. They are intelligent, successful women desperate to find the love of their life.
And this is what these men prey on. My client was lucky. Other women have not been so lucky and have lost thousands of their hard earned dollars to men they thought loved them.
I wrote today's post because I don't want to see another woman get taken by these con men again. There are nine warning signs worth heeding when you're out there dating.
1. They Feed Off The Clues In Your Profile
Don't mention your income or where you work. You can say you're a nurse or an executive but don't mention where or how much you make.
Be aware of sounding needy and lonely in your profile. It makes you perfect prey for scammers looking to hook you into their scams.
2. They Live Outside The US
These men will often say they live in metropolitan cities in the US but their work takes them elsewhere in the world. He tells you he'll be coming back soon ... and, of course, to wait for him because he can't wait to meet you.
3. Scamming Women Is Their Job
Most of these men are from developing countries. Jobs that pay well are scarce. Men there who are willing to con you have learned that in a couple of hours a day, they can easily communicate with women in the US, find their weak spots and make a fortune.
They speak with British accents, something American women easily fall for. It's sounds romantic to us. These men know this and use it.
4. What They Tell You About Themselves
Often, they will tell you they were born in England to a British mother and Italian father. They give themselves romantic names like Valentino and Antonio.
They will send you pictures of themselves and they're usually drop dead gorgeous. Look closely at these pictures. They are often shots of handsome models posing in hats, sunglasses, holding products like beer or wine standing in front of tall buildings in urban landscapes, or posing by expensive cars.
Sometimes the men in the picture don't even consistently look the same from shot to shot. The pictures they send are model shots easily found on the internet.
They might send you family pictures of children or grandchildren. Rarely are they in the picture with them. This is a huge tip off.
5. They Use Romance
We love romance and these men use it by sending you the most beautiful poems you've ever heard. They get these from the internet as well.
6. What They Talk About
As you chat for hours every day, scammers will find your weak spots. If you've lost a close member of your family, don't be surprised if they tell you they have too.
They use holes in your heart to get you to trust them. We bond easily with people who have had similar experiences in their lives.
Or they will share news of the big business deal they are in. You'll hear how they just need a little more money to finish it.
They'll tell you this is all the money the bank will give them and how their family members have invested too. Then they'll email you copies of contracts to make the deal seem legit and ask you for a loan just until the deal is signed. Once the deal is done, they'll wire your money back to your bank account, they tell you.
Never, ever give them access to your financial resources!
Through this negotiation you hear a lot of I love you baby, I can't wait to see you baby and As soon as this clears up, I'll be there and we'll be together.
7. They Have Excuses For Never Being Able To See You
They want to see you so badly and even tell you they are making arrangements to travel in a month or two. Yet as the date arrives, suddenly they aren't available and the date gets moved back over and over again. This is another HUGE TIP OFF you're dealing with a scammer.
8. You Can't Find Any Record Of Them
Try searching on Google for your Valentino or Antonio. More than likely nothing will show up.
But if you tip them off that you've done this ... within days you will see a listing pop up with their name and phone number.
They want you to believe they are real and the phone company made a huge mistake with their information.
A tip off here is they will list their job in the residential white pages, which few Americans do.
9. How To Protect Yourself
Date men closer to home. Keep emails to no more than three or four. Move men to the phone and keep calls to a minimum of one to two, then meet ASAP.
If a man tells you he'll be out of the country for a month or two, tell him to give you a call when he gets back.
Don't get pulled into a fantasy relationship that will rip your heart in two and wipe you out financially if you'
How many hours have you spent looking at men online thinking the following thought? This man looks nice but ... he's not my type!
Maybe he's not the same religion, or he lives in a different part of town, he's too old, he's too young or he's not Mr. Right based on other reasons that popped into your head as you glanced at a man's profile and picture.
For me, it was guys who were extremely athletic. I thought of them as narcissistic and placed judgment on them for wanting their bodies to be super toned.
My body is curvy and I've come to like it just the way it is. However, I was afraid of being judged by them for not being rock hard. So I judged them first and totally knocked them off my list of possibilities.
In fact, in my first experience with eHarmony, they would continually match me with men who felt physical fitness was a number one priority.
I actually called eHarmony and said, "Could you stop sending me these types of men?" and they laughed, saying I was the only person EVER to do that!
"He's not my type" was my first and easiest response when I saw a new man on an online dating site.
I'm happy to tell you I've changed my tune since then.
In fact, the man I'm with now might have been one of those "not my type" guys back then, and I would have clicked Next! and missed a wonderful relationship.
I don't want you to spend years figuring out the same thing. Here are four reasons to banish "he's not my type" from your vocabulary when it comes to over 50's dating.
We create patterns, whether or not they work for us.
We are hard-wired to seek out comfort, and in dating, that means coming back to the same types of guys over and over again.
But if you look back at past relationships, you can see that what feels comfortable might not be working for you.
When you think of the men you have dated or married, do you find a common theme, something in their personality or background that was similar in each one?
The men I'd chosen in the past were smart and they knew it, which totally stimulated my mind but not my body and soul.
I was missing those connections in every relationship, until I took a step back and recognized the pattern.
In my relationship now, I'm not yearning for that illusive something that was always missing in the past.
You're actually missing out on a lot of great guys.
When you're only looking for men who meet your type, you're narrowing the field of possible men to date.
If you've ever said, "There are just no good men over 50 out there," this is exactly why.
You're only seeing a small portion of them as acceptable.
Once you take those limiting parameters off, you'll see there are so many more possible men out there who might make a great date, boyfriend, husband or even just a friend to go to the movies with.
"Is he my type?" makes for a bad first date.
Once you find the rare guy online who you think might fit your type, what happens is you get overly invested in whether or not you can even get a first date with him.
The pressure cooker is on.
A lot is riding on this because you think there are so few good guys out there to date... so you have to make this one work.
You go on a meet and greet and you spend the time interviewing him for the job of your next boyfriend or mate.
Instead of spending time getting to know someone new and interesting, you're busy checking off the qualities he must have that are sitting on an imaginary "is he my type checklist" you've created.
Men can feel your frantic, nervous energy and it's a huge turn off to them.
Clients have told me over and over again that going on a first date to meet someone new and interesting takes a lot of pressure off them and makes dating fun, versus stressful.
It takes going outside your comfort zone to find a great guy.
To find happiness and contentment, you need to go outside your comfort zone and try a different type of man than you are used to.
Tonight, when you are browsing your favorite dating sites, take a look at five men you may have passed up because they did not fit your type in the past.
This can include men who contacted you ... but you wrote off, saying, "He's not my type."
Give yourself the opportunity to revisit them and see if there is anything that might now appear interesting to you.
You may find yourself resisting these new types of men, feeling a strong urge to go back to the kind of man that you are comfortable with.
Give yourself permission to feel uncomfortable and respond to one of these men you may have previously crossed off your list.
I may never have experienced the kind of happiness, compatibility and love with a man had I caved into my fears about being out of my comfort zone. And I hear the same thing from former clients all the time when they find relationships that make them really happy.
I'd love to see you find what I have found -- a great, quality man to be with. So get yourself online and look at all types of men to date.
The worst that can happen is you have a coffee date that goes nowhere or you find a new friend.
But the best may happen too!
Maybe you'll find exactly what you've been looking for but might never have tried if you had stuck with your usual type.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This is so true, especially when it comes to online dating.
Your picture is the first thing a man sees so it had better be good if you want him to notice you.
This is why I created a list of do's and don'ts just for you. I want you to get dates with great guys and I know it all starts right here in knowing exactly what to do when it comes to posting great pictures online.
1. DON'T wear clothing that reveals too much. A little cleavage is acceptable but showing three quarters of your breast covered only by a small piece of material is not okay. When you do this, men think you are looking for a sex partner, not a relationship.
2. DON'T post pictures where a man needs a magnifying glass to see you. I don't care how beautiful that mountain is behind you. If it takes up more space than you do, don't use the picture.
3. DON'T post pictures with your friends. How many times have you looked at pictures men have posted with friends, wondering which one is the guy who wrote the profile? And how often did you wish it was the guy's friend posting the profile because he was hotter? Men do the same thing when you post pictures with other women. Do yourself a favor and only post pictures of you!
4. DON'T post pictures with other men, even if he is your son, brother or father. Believe it or not, men think he's someone you've dated in the past, and it turns them off to see you with another man.
5. DON'T take SELFIES. No one likes seeing someone's toilet or the camera covering half your face in the mirror.
6. DON'T post pictures with your animals and grandchildren. They may be cute but believe it or not, they are seen as competition for your time with men.
7. DON'T post pictures that make you look mad, sad or indifferent to life. I know you may be wondering, who does this? But believe me when I tell you, lots of women do. And it's a huge turn off to men.
8. DO know that men are visual creatures. The first thing he will look at is your picture, not what you've written in your profile.
9. DO take a picture that shows your best assets. If it's your legs, be sure to show them. If it's your waist, show that. You want to grab a man's attention with what is great about you.
10. DO know that you have 10 seconds to get a man's attention. Make your picture count!
11. DO post at least two great pictures of you; a good headshot and a full body shot. When you only post a headshot, men think you are hiding something you don't want them to see. And often that's exactly what you're doing.
I know you're probably figuring once they get to know you, it won't matter. Believe me, it does matter and it makes him think if you're dishonest about this, what else aren't you telling him? Be honest here because in reality, you want a guy who accepts you for exactly who you are so you may as well show him who you are upfront.
12. DO hire a pro; or ask a friend or one of your kids who is camera savvy to do this for you. The advantage of a professional picture is they help you stand out from everyone else on the site. Just make sure the photographer does minimal retouching.
13. DO wear clothing that makes you look and feel your best. You take a better picture when you are feeling like the amazing woman you are.
14. DO post recent pictures. I admit it's nice to look like you're 40 again but there's something wrong when a guy has to call you because he can't figure out which one you are at Starbucks when you're meeting.
15. DO SMILE! Men are naturally drawn to pictures of women who smile. Your smile makes you glow and gives the impression you are fun and positive to be around. This is so attractive to the men you want to meet!
Coaching women over 50 about dating, I'm often asked this question...
Why has dating become so damn hard?
I believe it's because dating has become an activity we endure, versus one we enjoy.
We treat dating like we treat a job interview. We exchange resumes.
We look the person up and down and in less than 10 minutes -- the time it takes to drink a cup of coffee -- we decide whether or not this person is our next spouse or committed partner.
What a pressure cooker this is ... ultimately leaving us with the feeling there is no one out there to date.
Yet there are millions of men and women looking for partners daily, so what's going on? Why can't men and women find each other? It's simple.
They are dating to mate, rather than dating to date.
I can't begin to tell you the number of times I've heard, "I just know whether he's 'the one' within the first three minutes of meeting him."
Tell us in the comments how you want to be treated...
There is no way this is possible.
You may know whether you're initially attracted to him but that's it. And by the way, for women, attraction can grow over time when you get to really know a man, even when it's initially not present on a first date.
Using this three-minute philosophy, you can end up missing a lot of good, quality men.
Dating can be a lot of fun if you can switch to the idea of dating to date. This means go on dates with the only objective of having fun and getting to know a new and interesting man.
We did this as kids when we hung out with our potential boyfriends. We didn't sit around thinking, Is he the one? We just enjoyed each other's company and let it flow into the relationships we created.
When you date to date, you may not secure a mate right away ... of course, that's not happening for you as you date to mate either ... but you could end up with male friends who offer you companionship when you want it. And over time, you may fall for a man who has become your friend because the foundation for any solid relationship is friendship.
It could end up being the best relationship and one you would have missed by making that quick, three-minute decision on your first date.
The other reason dating can make you so miserable is because often you don't give men a chance unless they meet your standards of perfection. That's why they aren't measuring up to you in those first 3 minutes.
I've heard so many women describe their ideal man as one who is fit, one who eats a certain way, and one who has a particular job. A fit man may look good but it doesn't mean he'll make a good mate for you.
The guy with the belly could stand to lose a couple of pounds, and yet he might be the guy who could lights up your life every day and makes you very happy if you give him a chance.
Instead of just using physical characteristics as the sole basis for finding someone, think about how you want to feel around a man.
Because ultimately, you want to feel happy inside when you're with the one you finally choose. And that has nothing to do with how he exercises or eats. It has to do with how he treats you.
Tell us in the comments how you want to be treated...
What exactly is a dating Deal Breaker? These are the qualities a man either has or comes with that you can't tolerate in your life. Or conversely, they are qualities a man MUST HAVE in order to date you, such as the same religion or culture.
Men also have Deal Breakers when it comes to dating you. But the difference between the sexes is men honor their Deal Breakers. You'll see this when a man is in a relationship with a woman for years and years, and yet he won't marry her.
In his mind, she has a Deal Breaker that isn't suitable for marriage.
We as women have a tendency not to honor our Deal Breakers when it comes to men. We think with a little work and a lot of love, we can change him and all will be well in our world.
This just isn't true. Men don't change unless they want to change.
You might say, "But I love him so much." If this is the case, and he has one of your Deal Breakers, you aren't honoring yourself and you will be settling.
So many women choose to settle... They're afraid no one out there is as good as this man -- a man who has one of their Deal Breakers going on in his life.
This is an illusion. Your mind is playing tricks on you. All it does is take you to a place of scarcity when it comes to men. And with our age group leading the pack with the highest divorce rate of any generation these days, there is actually an abundance of men out there for you to date.
All you have to do is go to a mainstream dating website like olderwomendating.com and you'll see thousands of men right in your area looking for a woman just like you, if you're willing to give him a chance.
Now, let's take a moment and talk about some common Deal Breakers worth thinking about.
Pets -- If you have a beloved Levi in your life like I do, then you'll want a man who'll treasure your puppy or kitten as much as you do.
Children -- With adult children or minors, where will you fit in the family equation? And if they are minor children, are you willing to deal with the teenage years again, especially if your kids are now adults?
Smokers -- I once had a boyfriend who'd take himself outside in all kinds of weather for a smoke. He'd stand outside my garage door and puff away, then he'd come in and wash his face before getting near me. That was love to him.
For me, it became a major DEAL BREAKER for future relationships. Regardless of what he did, he still smelled like smoke and I can't seem to tolerate that smell.
Religion -- Do you need a man in your life who can share your religious beliefs, going to church or temple with you on a regular basis?
Alcohol use -- Are members of Alcohol Anonymous okay for you to date? Or do you want someone you can share a glass of wine with at the end of the day?
Differences in sexual behavior -- Whether it's a full-blown Fifty Shades of Grey relationship you desire, or sex once a year on your birthday.
Money issues and differences -- Do you want him to pay for everything? Or can he be financially responsible for just his share?
Take some time to clear your head and really think about the specifics of your Deal Breakers and what each one really means to you. I guarantee whatever Deal Breakers you skip over now ... will become major conflicts in your relationship at a later date.
It's better to know what your Deal Breakers are and whether a man has them before you get too far into a new relationship.
While you're thinking about it, why don't you take a few moments and write your own Deal Breaker list. As you get to know a man, refer back to this list to see if he has the qualities it takes to be with you.
Remember, if a healthy long-term relationship is what you really desire in your life, then you'll want to choose a man who doesn't have the Deal Breakers you've put on your list.
Dating as a woman over 50 can feel vulnerable and the last thing you want to do is step outside of your comfort zone, right?
But that's exactly what works for so many of the women I work with one-on-one. As soon as they say, "Ok, no more excuses! I'm going to do what it takes to find the man of my dreams," guess what ... they do.
This can work for you too. Here are 10 ways to break out of your comfort zone and find success dating over 50.
1. Put thoughts about your ex's to rest.Make sure as you head out there to date that you have removed your personal clutter about ex's. It's heavy and it keeps you from being emotionally available to new men.
2. Clear the clutter in your home so when you meet a man, you will have space for him to come into your life.
3. Go through your wardrobe, donating old clothes that don't flatter you anymore, so you can go on dates feeling great about yourself, rather than being reminded of what your ex thought of that dress.
4. Focus on enjoying dating. It should be fun, not the chore it becomes when you only focus on whether he's the one. There's a certain sweetness you could be missing getting to know a new and interesting man who might turn out to be an amazing partner for you. You will be surprised what happens if you find fun and joy in the dating process.
5. Begin dating to date versus dating to mate. Dating is a journey for finding the man you want to be with. You aren't 22 anymore, so there's no need to rush the process to start building a family. Instead, just go out and have fun!
6. Recite this mantra that will help you step outside your comfort zone when it feels scary...
I am ready to date. I am willing to find and meet new men even when I feel uncomfortable. I know uncomfortable equals growth and growth equals achieving my dreams of finding the man I want to share my life with.
7. Get a mini-makeover. Ask your hair stylist for a new cut that will make you feel sexy and desirable. Or go with a friend to the makeup counter at a department store. Their makeup artists will give you a fresh look and you only need to buy what you like.
8. Look outside your type. If you feel like there are "no good men out there" to date, you're probably only focusing on those who fit your type. Try going out on two or three dates with men who fall outside your typical look or personality.
9. Strike up a conversation with a new man in the real world. Even if he turns out to be unavailable, you've sharpened your flirting skills and next time, you'll feel more confident about approaching a cute guy.
10. Be open to getting help with dating, knowing that it's not a skill you are born with. Your friends, family, therapist and dating coach are all here to help you make your dating journey a success!
What have you done to step outside your comfort zone? Tell my experiences in the comments below.
Holidays are tough for singles, especially when you're over 50. It seems like everyone out there is a couple or a family celebrating the holidays together. What's even harder is they all look so happy.
You end up feeling like you're the only one in the world left out of all this holiday cheer.
That's because we can paint a picture in our heads of the only way we truly believe our holidays should be... a handsome man at our side as we open gifts and celebrate the beginning of a new year.
These can be lonely times for you if the only way the holiday season can be meaningful and fun is with a guy in your life.
So this year, if you aren't dating someone, how about giving yourself a break? See if you can figure out a way to turn those holiday blues into holiday happiness without a guy in your life.
Here are five ideas to get you started.
Holiday Happiness Idea #1 -- Pamper Yourself
This year, why don't you ask your family and friends for gifts that are going to allow you to feel pampered, as in massages, manicures, pedicures or facials? Let someone take care of you for a couple of hours.
Remember, you are sexiest and most desirable to a man when you feel good about you. And who doesn't feel great after a soothing massage or a new nail color?
Holiday Happiness Idea #2 -- Go Out And Have A Good Time With Your Girlfriends
Start by making a list of every unattached woman you know. Next, pick up the phone to see if one of them is free to go to a movie or dinner.
I used to have a single friends folder that I could go to whenever I felt like doing an activity but didn't want to do it alone. Start your own today and use it now during the holiday season to get yourself out of the house and into the holiday cheer.
Holiday Happiness Idea #3 -- Start Putting Your Dating Fairy Godmothers To Work For You!
During this time of year with parties happening everywhere you turn, most of us come in contact with more people than usual.
Choose 5 friends and ask each one to keep their eyes open for a great, single guy they might be able to fix you up with. He could be at their office party or their yoga class.
Remember, friends forget you are single so you need to keep reminding them to always be on the lookout for a great match for you.
Holiday Happiness Idea #4 -- Do Something Crazy, Like Book A Cruise With Your Sister, Friends, or Family
It's nice to have a man in our lives, but we can have fun with or without one.
Treat yourself to a winter vacation to give you something to look forward to. Cruises can be relatively inexpensive these days, so what's your excuse?
Okay, you won't be watching the sunset with a guy but you can be having a good time, laughing with your friends and who knows... There might be a great single guy on that ship just waiting to meet you.
Holiday Happiness Idea #5 -- Get Online And Start Looking For Your New Guy Tonight!
Men are online at all hours of the day and night. You can always find someone to chat with whether or not you end up dating him.
For fun... try a niche dating site that caters to a smaller pool of singles, or go on one of the free ones like Plenty of Fish (and yes, there are plenty of quality fish for you to choose from on there)!
So as you can now hopefully see, while waiting to find Mr. Right, there are still plenty of ways for you to have fun. Be creative and get the wheels moving. Start thinking about all the ways you can still have fun this holiday season.
Post your comments here and let me know what you decide to do to create your own holiday happiness.
Age doesn’t always determine maturity. There can be men over forty that give any teenager a run for his money. Depending on their life experiences, some younger men have had to grow up faster and have gained some wisdom and insight. Spending time with him and seeing how he handles stress, finances, friends, work, etc. will give you a better idea of his maturity level. But, if you are looking for a casual relationship, it may not matter.
2. Spontaneity
Younger men still want to explore and find out who they are before settling down. Filled with adventure, they are spontaneous which is quite pleasing to the older woman. The younger man’s adventurous nature is contagious and exploring life together offers excitement especially in the new season of your life.
3. Matches Your Expectations
Before you start dating, figure out your relationship expectations. Determine if casual is more your speed where seeing him less frequently will not be a problem. Limited quality time vs. quantity time may suit the busy cougar schedule better. And, after years of a serious relationship or marriage, dating for fun with no strings attached may be what you need. But if there is an expectation for a serious relationship, then seek a younger man who wants the same. Don’t be afraid to voice what you want. By being on the same page in the beginning, it will prevent frustration and heartbreak later if he doesn’t want the same thing. Also in early conversations, find out what he wants from the relationship. Is he marriage minded? Does he eventually want children? These discussions don’t have to happen on the first date. But as your relationship progresses, it’s best to tackle them head on as it steers the relationship in the direction that you want.
4. Same Energy Levels
What is your energy level? Are you the type that likes to dance until dawn or is a quiet night home with a movie more your level? Many younger guys do a lot of social things during the week. If you can’t keep up, find a guy that is more your speed. Also, reveal the social things you like to do. Don’t be afraid to say that you don’t like baseball or hanging out at the bar. Give him some alternatives that show him the relaxed fun side of you. Remember, you don’t have to do things to compete with younger women. Just be yourself and let him enjoy all the things he likes about you.
5. The Whole Package
Regardless of age, older women want a man with the whole package – someone who likes to have fun, confidence, a sense of humor, sexiness, and respects and accepts you as you are. Yet, figure out your deal breakers before dating a younger man because it helps to weed out the low quality ones. Deal breakers like immaturity, always hanging out with the fellas and not spending enough time with you, not understanding your season of life, conflicts with your kids, living with parents, etc. Spending time with him and asking questions helps you see if he is real or a player.
6. Beware of Being Mommy
Some younger men seek out older woman as a mother type. It’s an easy role to fall into since he may appeal to your nurturing side. It starts off innocent such as letting him borrow money or moving in if he doesn’t have a place to stay. Watch out for the early signs and avoid this type because he is not looking for a confident woman who can contribute to the relationship. He wants someone to fill the role that his mother no longer does. You have raised your kids and you don’t want to raise another one.
7. Beware of the Booty Calls
For some younger guys, going out with a sexy older woman is a big turn-on. His boys think so too and encourage him to do so. He may have the stereotypical idea of the older woman being able to teach him sexually. So, they may be looking for the booty call. These men are obvious by calling late night and asking to come over. Or only wanting to be a friend with benefits and nothing more. It’s best to avoid them unless you don’t mind having a sexual relationship with no strings attached.
8. Let Him Chase You
Despite him being a younger man, he is still a man. He is likes the hunt and the chase. Let him take the lead in asking you for your phone number and the first date. It doesn’t diminish you as a strong confidence woman. His pursuit will prove that he is really into you. Besides, you’re too busy to do the chasing. Also, keep options open and date other younger men in order to figure out if he is the guy you want. It may be hard especially if you feel a connection. But, it prevents you from getting emotionally attached too soon and it allows you to see him fully.
Younger men offer the cougar an exciting dating life that she may have not experienced before. By not having the baggage of exes and divorce, it is more alluring and refreshing than dating men of the same age. Once expectations are determined and the mama boys and players are weeded out, the cub of your dreams may show up for some casual fun. Or be the new love of your life.
Whether it’s just sex or a long-term relationship, knowing what you want will help you figure out your best course of action to get it. It’s also important to be honest with the woman about what you want — don’t act like you want a relationship if all you want is sex. Women enjoy sex too; she might be fine with some no-strings-attached fun.
Some questions to consider: Is it sexual — a checkmark on your bucket list? Or, are you interested in something long-term, with someone who is more mature than your previous partners? Perhaps you have someone specific in mind already, and are wondering how you can get her to notice you.
If you just want sex with an older woman, for example, your best bet might be dating sites geared specifically toward older women seeking younger men, and vice versa. There are even cruises devoted to connecting older women with younger men.
Dating sites are also a good option if you are seeking a longer-term relationship with an older woman. Again, just be clear about your intentions from the beginning.
Women in and over the age of 40 have lives too; this means that you can meet them literally anywhere — from the gym to a boating club, to an acting class, or even in your local grocery store. Spaces are shared interest are great for meeting people in general, no matter your age.
2 Forget the stereotype.
Sure, some older women might fit the traditional “cougar” stereotype, but just as many — if not more — will not. As with all people, desires and behaviour differ depending on the individual. When approaching an older woman for romantic purposes, you’ll do well to forget the “cougar” stereotype and simply treat her with the same respect and consideration that you would treat anyone else.
Some websites would have you believe that there are specific types of cougar: the moneyed cougar (or sugar mama), the angry cougar, the sweet cougar; alpha versus beta cougars.
While there is often some truth in stereotypes, you’re better off getting to know the individual woman rather than trying to lock her into some predefined, narrow-minded, and generally unflattering idea of how a mature woman behaves.
3 Show her you’re interested.
If you’re interested in a mature woman, let her know. How you show you’re interested will vary depending on your own situation — including where you meet the woman and how well you already know her.
If you meet a woman at the bar, you might show your interest by smiling at her and seeing if she smiles back. Wait to see if she keeps looking back at you; if she does, this might be a sign that she’s interested. You could then approach her and ask to buy her a drink.
If you are interested in a woman who is in the same running club as you, your tactic would be different. You might gauge her interest by starting a conversation with her after the run — it doesn’t have to be anything too serious; small talk about the weather and the run will do to begin with.
4 Be prepared for rejection, and take it gracefully.
If you approach a mature woman and she rejects you, don’t be a jerk about it. It’s okay to be disappointed and to even express your disappointment in a polite or witty manner; it’s not okay to call her names or threaten her.
Do: “I’m devastated, but if you change your mind, I’ll be over there!”
Don’t: “Are you kidding me? You’re lucky to have a young guy like me show interest in you!”
5 Be “young.”
If you are trying to attract an older woman, don’t get stuck on the idea that you need to act like a man their age might act. Many women in their 40s admit to seeking younger men because they are more open-minded, adventurous, and romantic.
When going out on dates, be adventurous and willing to try new things. Share your interests with her, and learn about her interests too. As with any relationship, take pleasure in learning and growing together.
You’ll also benefit from being adventurous and open-minded in the bedroom. Chances are, she’ll be clear about what she likes, so it’s important that you’re willing to listen and possibly follow instructions.
6 Be honest about who you are.
If a mature woman says that her last relationship ended because her partner was an unromantic, stubborn workaholic, and you know that you’re approaching a critical time in your career where you will need to prioritize work over everything else, it might not be the best time to get into a relationship with this woman.
7 Be reliable and uncomplicated.
Most older women (and men) have had enough relationships to know what works and what doesn’t; they’re not interested in playing games. Cancelling plans at the last minute and “forgetting” to call for days to weeks might have been tolerated by younger women, but more mature women will likely not put up with this behaviour.
How To Have A Long Lasting Relationship With A Cougar
To have a fruitful long lasting relationship with a Cougar, there are some things you must know.
So from my own personal experiences, I offer these 7 important insights, tips, and do’s and don’ts of Cougar Dating.
Cougar Dating Tip #1
Take good care of yourself: This is by far one of the most important rules of Cougar dating. The fact that Cougars are older doesn’t mean that they will settle for average looks or a sloppy appearance. Overall, Cougars are very petty when it comes to judging by looks.
Unless you are extremely good-looking or are well groomed, it’s my opinion that you won’t stand much of a chance with a cougar. It only stand to reason that one of the main reasons why Cougars prefer younger men is because of their looks. Older men just aren’t as fit and attractive as younger men.
You must therefore exercise regularly and stay well groomed i.e. cut your hair, wear fancy clothes and cologne etc.
Remember that you have to put in some effort to have a relationship with a Cougar.
Cougar Dating Tip #2
Go to the right watering hole( so to speak): This is a very important insight for men interested in Cougars but who have little or no luck finding them.
When I first started dating Cougars, I had no idea where to hangout to increase my chances of hooking up with one. What I didn’t know at the time was that there are ideal places that make it easier to meet Cougars.
For instance, you won’t have any luck meeting Cougars at baby shops or parents associations.
Cougars love hanging out in bars but not all kinds of bars. Consider classier bars that host events such as singles parties or speed dating events. If you aren’t old enough to go to such parties and you can try visiting popular gyms to meet Cougars. Wine and art festivals are also a good choice.
Cougar Dating Tip #3
Be bold: Another important tip on Cougar dating is being bold.
In fact, the single best way to catch the attention/interest of older women is to be bold.
You must make eye contact to draw cougars to you. Eye contact is a sign of aggression and cougars love that because they are bold women who aren’t afraid to date younger men. (See our article Can Body Language Magically Attract The Girl Of Your Dreams?).
But be careful though, unlike younger women cougars don’t enjoy mind games or beating around the bush. They know exactly what they want and they expect you to also know – and be bold about it.
Cougar Dating Tip #4
Act mature: Another important tip about Cougar Dating is being mature. Cougars have a zero tolerance policy for guys who are childish or act stupid.
It’s good to have a sense of humor however, but you should do so in moderation to avoid seeming immature.
Cougars aren’t teenage girls. They are older and wiser. Your humor should be of the intellectual variety and not slap stick or grade school.
Talk about topics such as art, literature, music, or current affairs as opposed to talking about college parties and past relationships. Unless you are extremely good looking, Cougars won’t tolerate immaturity.
Acting mature is an important tip to having a long-lasting Cougar relationship.
Cougar Dating Tip #5
Don’t call her too much: This is one extremely important Cougar Dating rule I learned the hard way.
Memorize This: Once you hook up with a Cougar, regardless of how much you like or love her, DO NOT call too often.
In fact you should usually let her contact you.
Calling too often makes you look desperate and needy which are very unattractive traits not only to Cougars but to all women (Editor’s Note: how true!).
You must however make sure that you are available at a moments notice otherwise your relationship won’t last very long. Think of yourself as being ‘on call’ 24/7.
Cougar Dating Tip #6
Wine and dine her: There is this misconception that Cougars are only interested in sex. But in my experience with Cougars, this isn’t true.
Although sex is an important factor, you must also treat your Cougar well after you win her over. Taking her out for dates to expensive restaurants or other venues once in a while will work wonders for your relationship.
Cougar Dating Tip #7
Know your place in the relationship: Perhaps the most important tip of all.
It’s important to note that most Cougars are looking for men who will look good, entertain them, and accompany them to social events. You can think of yourself as eye and pillow candy when the relationship first starts out.
As the relationship progresses, things might change and often do. It will give you something to look forward to.
In the meantime, if you can accept your role in the world of the Cougar, you’ll have a long and satisfying relationship.
Be flexible. Open yourself up to new ideas in all areas of your relationship.
Live in the moment. Focus on the relationship you have today—not 10 years from today.
Go overboard in your compliments. Show him you are proud of his accomplishments.
Share financial responsibility. This is essential for a strong foundation to build on.
Make him feel comfortable with friends and family. Support your guy and he’ll support you.
Don’t
Focus on the age difference. It’s a big turnoff and gets old very quickly.
Play games. Be honest: He loves that you are secure enough to do that.
Mind-read. If you want to know what he is thinking, ask him.
Play Mom. He’s not your kid—don’t treat him like one.
Make promises you can’t keep. Never betray his trust; tell him like it is.
Every woman has her own particular set of relationship challenges, and cougars are no exception. Men definitely are from Mars, and it is tough enough finding common ground with someone of your own generation, let alone a young guy who is trailing two decades behind you. The age difference can create all sorts of problems if you’re not prepared. You just have to keep remembering that Real Cougars are willing to do whatever it takes in the pursuit of happiness.